I could fill up the whole of the internet writing about last night but i won't, ill try and keep it short yet wholely entertaining. Last night was quite possibly one of the weirdest, funniest experiences of my life, maybe apart from the time i first pooed myself and it fell down my leg and got stuck due to my elasticated power ranger pyjama bottoms, that was quite cool as well. Anyway, after a heavy session the night before which resulted in singing Elvis songs until 3 in the morning me and Dickie in true alcoholic style decided to go straight to the pub upon arising for some gold old fashioned liquid yeast. It was then he dropped the plan of going to Brighton to see Speed The Collapse, our mates band. Fuck it, excuse to booze, somewhere different, why not. Shortly after Dan got involved however by the time he reached the pub at 5 we were already well on it. Picking up some Stella for the train we set off, changing at Chichester for a reason nobody knows except Dan but he won't tell us because he's queer. Upon arrival in Brighton we found out the pub was called 'The Fat Dyke' or something along those lines, great, Dickie paid for a taxi because he was minted until this morning and it was bloody cold. Got there and i didn't know whether to laugh or fuck off straight back to Pompey. We had travelled for a proper local boozer full of regulars and about 8 people under the age of 186. After getting accosted for i.d we sat down and spent some more quality time with Stella. Watched some band with a hot babe in it then watched the band we had come to see. By this point Dickie was well on his way and had already smashed a pint glass however blamed it on Dan. I did the same not long after yet no matter how many times we offered to help clean the glass up they wouldn't let us. Maybe they were afraid we'd try and stab them all or something, i don't know. Weird though. In the end we got asked to leave as they had enough of Dickie and his drunken antics ruining they're quaint establishment. No room in any cars for a lift back to Portsmouth we decided our only option was to walk into town and drink so we started strolling, everyone rejected something from the pit of their stomachs which was pretty sweet, syncronization. My memorys a bit hazy about the next bit but i remember getting in a taxi and offering to pay £85 to get to Chichester which to be fair would have been pointless anyway as thats not exactly close to the blue army. After lots of being dicks we ran off, why i don't know but it happened. Then i found some money so i thought id get some cheeky beers from an off license, god knows why but none were consumed, simply thrown at each other like little metallic parcels of fun. It won't be fun for the bloke who finds the one Dickie slotted through his car window, if your reading this, Dickies sorry. The kebab house was next, as we thought this was where we were staying we really dragged it out, 2 kebabs with some shite salad, Dan looking ready to vomit and Dickie thinking he's king fucking kong eating some super spicy hot chilli sauce that could have used to melt metal. I tried a little bit and my mouth turned to niagra fools and i was reduced to a dribbling mess, Dickie was eating it like it was chocolate mousse. 285856 pints of water later he chilled out, gave me and Dan a giggle though so in our eyes it was worth it. Found some fellas who pointed us in the direction of some boozers and off we went. Found 2 girls outside of Burger King, Dan loved them, they couldn't come with us although one of them was well up for it. They did look about 14 though so best not really, Dickie proceeded to dump tackle me onto a sign for no reason. Maybe he just got bored, fair play. Ended up in some place, was alright and open til 3 so it killed some more time. Me and Dan were about 3 sips into a pint and we see these mound of empty glasses on the table where Dickies just done about 20 Jaggerbombs to himself. After that he got a bit weird, walked off with some dude with a broken arm jus so the could get more money out of the cashpoint and buy him a Jaggerbomb too.This behaviour continued along with him buying the barmaid drinks, or so he thought, as she just kept putting his money in the tip jar. Unlucky really, she had a face like a slapped arse anyway. After they basically asked us to leave we decided to look elsewhere, finding a 24 hour bar /restaurant but not wanting to buy anything except booze which apparently is not allowed, we quickly left. Whilst im smoking Dickie and Dan have worked there way onto the top floor of the Travelodge and are sleeping in a corridor. Me meanwhile is left to walk in only to be greeted by some batty boy of a receptionist with bleach blonde hair and a fucking hitler tash. Im not the sort of person to stereotype people but he was a grade A cockrocket. Eventually Travelodge had enough and Mr Fritz found them two and kicked us all out. The 24 hour bar place looked our only hope so onward we marched with Dan trying to get himself arrested on the way simply for a bed. The 5-0 wern't feeling it so we left them to fight real criminals and went to fill our tumtums. By now funds were low so after squaring it with Dickie it was agreed he'd pay by card for me and Dan to get 2 breakfasts and 2 Stellas however with Dickie not even knowing his own name when the bill came we had to convince him AGAIN that paying for it was the right thing to do. Me and Dan got stuck in and had a deep chat about some bullshit whilst Dickie slumped semi concious in the corner. Making a breakfast and a pint last 2 hours is bloody hard work, even more so when you just want to sleep yet the train station wasn't open til 5 so we didn't have a choice. After nearly getting the boot from there due to Dickie being asleep we got a cheeky taxi to the station picking up a few more cold bevvies for the journey home. Met some absolute nutter of a german guy at the station who had been beaten up but was some ex boxer so apparently fought off 3 lads. Again, im not going to stereotype, but this fella must have been an ex boxer in like 1890, he was well passed his sell by date. He did wind me whilst showing me how he fought, a swift elbow to the stomach and my ice cold beer was on its way back up.Shortly after this i nearly got battered to death by some hench South African guy and his cage fighting mate. Dan had ran off to grab a fence post or some shit whilst me and Dickie saw our lives flash before our eyes. Im not going to go into details but we worked it all out eventually, he gave us a few muscle tips and some scare tactics so we're all set for next time. Eventually saw life in the form of a train however they only went to London with our train not arriving for another 2 hours. Fuck waiting lets go was the general thought. The planned slowly changed to 'we're going to Epsom to Dickies sisters house at liek 7 in the morning'. This plan was aborted when, after all falling asleep, Scrooge himself woke us up and booted us off the train for drinking, not having tickets, swearing, being abusive, and yeah. He made it all up to be honest, we just wanted him to fuck off so we could sleep as my stomach ran out of the room to hold anymore beer. Stuck in East Croydon our mission brief changed back to Portsmouth, after what seemed like an age a train arrived and 3 hours later i reached home soil. 6 hours later im still drunk. Epic.
Sunday 28 December 2008
Brighton.
I could fill up the whole of the internet writing about last night but i won't, ill try and keep it short yet wholely entertaining. Last night was quite possibly one of the weirdest, funniest experiences of my life, maybe apart from the time i first pooed myself and it fell down my leg and got stuck due to my elasticated power ranger pyjama bottoms, that was quite cool as well. Anyway, after a heavy session the night before which resulted in singing Elvis songs until 3 in the morning me and Dickie in true alcoholic style decided to go straight to the pub upon arising for some gold old fashioned liquid yeast. It was then he dropped the plan of going to Brighton to see Speed The Collapse, our mates band. Fuck it, excuse to booze, somewhere different, why not. Shortly after Dan got involved however by the time he reached the pub at 5 we were already well on it. Picking up some Stella for the train we set off, changing at Chichester for a reason nobody knows except Dan but he won't tell us because he's queer. Upon arrival in Brighton we found out the pub was called 'The Fat Dyke' or something along those lines, great, Dickie paid for a taxi because he was minted until this morning and it was bloody cold. Got there and i didn't know whether to laugh or fuck off straight back to Pompey. We had travelled for a proper local boozer full of regulars and about 8 people under the age of 186. After getting accosted for i.d we sat down and spent some more quality time with Stella. Watched some band with a hot babe in it then watched the band we had come to see. By this point Dickie was well on his way and had already smashed a pint glass however blamed it on Dan. I did the same not long after yet no matter how many times we offered to help clean the glass up they wouldn't let us. Maybe they were afraid we'd try and stab them all or something, i don't know. Weird though. In the end we got asked to leave as they had enough of Dickie and his drunken antics ruining they're quaint establishment. No room in any cars for a lift back to Portsmouth we decided our only option was to walk into town and drink so we started strolling, everyone rejected something from the pit of their stomachs which was pretty sweet, syncronization. My memorys a bit hazy about the next bit but i remember getting in a taxi and offering to pay £85 to get to Chichester which to be fair would have been pointless anyway as thats not exactly close to the blue army. After lots of being dicks we ran off, why i don't know but it happened. Then i found some money so i thought id get some cheeky beers from an off license, god knows why but none were consumed, simply thrown at each other like little metallic parcels of fun. It won't be fun for the bloke who finds the one Dickie slotted through his car window, if your reading this, Dickies sorry. The kebab house was next, as we thought this was where we were staying we really dragged it out, 2 kebabs with some shite salad, Dan looking ready to vomit and Dickie thinking he's king fucking kong eating some super spicy hot chilli sauce that could have used to melt metal. I tried a little bit and my mouth turned to niagra fools and i was reduced to a dribbling mess, Dickie was eating it like it was chocolate mousse. 285856 pints of water later he chilled out, gave me and Dan a giggle though so in our eyes it was worth it. Found some fellas who pointed us in the direction of some boozers and off we went. Found 2 girls outside of Burger King, Dan loved them, they couldn't come with us although one of them was well up for it. They did look about 14 though so best not really, Dickie proceeded to dump tackle me onto a sign for no reason. Maybe he just got bored, fair play. Ended up in some place, was alright and open til 3 so it killed some more time. Me and Dan were about 3 sips into a pint and we see these mound of empty glasses on the table where Dickies just done about 20 Jaggerbombs to himself. After that he got a bit weird, walked off with some dude with a broken arm jus so the could get more money out of the cashpoint and buy him a Jaggerbomb too.This behaviour continued along with him buying the barmaid drinks, or so he thought, as she just kept putting his money in the tip jar. Unlucky really, she had a face like a slapped arse anyway. After they basically asked us to leave we decided to look elsewhere, finding a 24 hour bar /restaurant but not wanting to buy anything except booze which apparently is not allowed, we quickly left. Whilst im smoking Dickie and Dan have worked there way onto the top floor of the Travelodge and are sleeping in a corridor. Me meanwhile is left to walk in only to be greeted by some batty boy of a receptionist with bleach blonde hair and a fucking hitler tash. Im not the sort of person to stereotype people but he was a grade A cockrocket. Eventually Travelodge had enough and Mr Fritz found them two and kicked us all out. The 24 hour bar place looked our only hope so onward we marched with Dan trying to get himself arrested on the way simply for a bed. The 5-0 wern't feeling it so we left them to fight real criminals and went to fill our tumtums. By now funds were low so after squaring it with Dickie it was agreed he'd pay by card for me and Dan to get 2 breakfasts and 2 Stellas however with Dickie not even knowing his own name when the bill came we had to convince him AGAIN that paying for it was the right thing to do. Me and Dan got stuck in and had a deep chat about some bullshit whilst Dickie slumped semi concious in the corner. Making a breakfast and a pint last 2 hours is bloody hard work, even more so when you just want to sleep yet the train station wasn't open til 5 so we didn't have a choice. After nearly getting the boot from there due to Dickie being asleep we got a cheeky taxi to the station picking up a few more cold bevvies for the journey home. Met some absolute nutter of a german guy at the station who had been beaten up but was some ex boxer so apparently fought off 3 lads. Again, im not going to stereotype, but this fella must have been an ex boxer in like 1890, he was well passed his sell by date. He did wind me whilst showing me how he fought, a swift elbow to the stomach and my ice cold beer was on its way back up.Shortly after this i nearly got battered to death by some hench South African guy and his cage fighting mate. Dan had ran off to grab a fence post or some shit whilst me and Dickie saw our lives flash before our eyes. Im not going to go into details but we worked it all out eventually, he gave us a few muscle tips and some scare tactics so we're all set for next time. Eventually saw life in the form of a train however they only went to London with our train not arriving for another 2 hours. Fuck waiting lets go was the general thought. The planned slowly changed to 'we're going to Epsom to Dickies sisters house at liek 7 in the morning'. This plan was aborted when, after all falling asleep, Scrooge himself woke us up and booted us off the train for drinking, not having tickets, swearing, being abusive, and yeah. He made it all up to be honest, we just wanted him to fuck off so we could sleep as my stomach ran out of the room to hold anymore beer. Stuck in East Croydon our mission brief changed back to Portsmouth, after what seemed like an age a train arrived and 3 hours later i reached home soil. 6 hours later im still drunk. Epic.
Wednesday 17 December 2008
Worlds Coolest Pet.
The Coconut Crab (Birgus latro) is the largest land-living arthropod in the world. It is a highly apomorphic hermit crab and is known for its ability to crack coconuts with its strong pincers in order to eat the contents. It is also called the robber crab or palm thief, because some Coconut Crabs are rumored to steal shiny items such as pots and silverware from houses and tents.
Now to me these seem like one of the coolest pets to have. Firstly they're scary, any sucka comes near you, POW , you just wack out your coconut crab and they're gone. This could help solve knife crime in many areas as people would simply carry around their coconut crabs instead of blades, get meh? Secondly they can crack coconuts with their pincers. This could come in handy for opening an all manner of things, jam jars, bake bean tins, bank safes. It really does all depend on your chosen profession. They're living can openeners, boltcutters and gullotines all rolled into one really. Finally its been know they like to go on the rob. PERFECT. Forget signing on, need a bit of extra dosh? Send one of these bad boys into town and they'll come back with all manner of gifts for your selling pleasure. They would be extra handy at festivals as Wikipedia ensures me they are able to steal from tents. Value for money if you ask me. These beasts are going to be hotter than Pokemon cards were, coming soon to a pet shop near you in 2009.
Now to me these seem like one of the coolest pets to have. Firstly they're scary, any sucka comes near you, POW , you just wack out your coconut crab and they're gone. This could help solve knife crime in many areas as people would simply carry around their coconut crabs instead of blades, get meh? Secondly they can crack coconuts with their pincers. This could come in handy for opening an all manner of things, jam jars, bake bean tins, bank safes. It really does all depend on your chosen profession. They're living can openeners, boltcutters and gullotines all rolled into one really. Finally its been know they like to go on the rob. PERFECT. Forget signing on, need a bit of extra dosh? Send one of these bad boys into town and they'll come back with all manner of gifts for your selling pleasure. They would be extra handy at festivals as Wikipedia ensures me they are able to steal from tents. Value for money if you ask me. These beasts are going to be hotter than Pokemon cards were, coming soon to a pet shop near you in 2009.
Wednesday 10 December 2008
Thomas 'The Alcoholic' Jefferies.
I'd like to introduce you to Thomas 'The Alcoholic' Jefferies and a few of his hobbys after one too many turbo shants....
Getting his friends to repeatedly slap and punch him in the face. Dropping his i.d so many times he might as well just chuck it away. Screaming fuck off too everybody who talks to him after reaching his peak of turboshantedness. Trying to obtain high fives from every innocent bystander in a nineties fashion. Smelling me and my washing detergent even more than usual. Getting on it so much his friends have to carry him home. Setting off the alarm whilst entering his own home. Finding the ability to pull anything but a normal face in photographs.
College Dropout.
We all the knew it was going to happen sooner or later but after a year and 3 months i finally dropped out of college. Its not really a big deal like people are making out though to be honest. I'll just go back to college next year, yeah i suppose ive wasted some time but who cares. All it means now is that when the first years turn up on my new course next year, if i don't tell them im a few years older than them, i can just pretend im an old looking 16 year old. This is a strategy that could be used to pick up babes however knowing me they'll probably be some 16 year old boys that will look older than my, then to be, 19 year old self anyway. If that occurs ill simply wear a comedy pair of glasses and moustache, sit at the back of the class and perve. Thats right. Perve.
Friday 5 December 2008
Good News Bad News.
Not that most of you will care but i recently joined the world of employment for the build up to christmas. This unfortunately means that tomorrow nights record breaking beer tower attempt will have to be postponed! As i will now be working every Saturday night up until christmas it looks like the experiment shall take place on an up and coming Friday. Im sorry to every hopeful record breaker who wanted to be a part of history, your time will come. Ill put up the details soon.
Romper Stompers.
Adam and Jack lay down some heavy romper stompers at Skaterham. Last trick madness.
Tuesday 2 December 2008
Pure EVIL.
This is a warning for all people in the Portsmouth area, if you see this girl DO NOT approach at any cost. Whilst she may look cute and innocent, she is the spawn of satan, sent to earth to destroy humanity. Only last night i was brutally abused and violated by her, fuelled on a diet of neat vodka, rage and hatred she attacked me with a series of edible treats. Whilst i survived my brand new, white t-shirt never. Like i said beware, she is PURE EVIL.
Sunday 30 November 2008
In The Name Of Science.
Right this ones for all of the heavy beer drinkers out there. I am inviting you to take part in a scientific experiment which is to create the largest beer tower ever created in one night. The event will take place at my house this weekend, Saturday December 6th at 7pm, entrance fee is 16+ beers. Whilst i cannot offer payment for taking part in this experiment i can ensure that fun times will be had by all and, as its all in the name of science, theres nothing irresponsible about it. If your up for getting involved and being part of history then sign up today. My house isn't a homeless hostel, i can't fill it to the brim. The plan is to drink all of the beers, make the tower then go out and drink booze in a respectable establishment. Let me know before you creep up or else ill get people to beat you down,big people. Holla.
Career Choices.
The t-shirt design above, mixed with a dash of WWE, washed down with a hint of Carlsberg helped Darren, Johnny, Ed and myself decide our future careers. Like Buddha when he suddenly reached enlightenment after sitting under that tree for so long we all suddenly felt we had found our callings in life. To start with we're going to become wrestlers. Spandex costumes, big guns and loads of shit tattoos. Don't ask why, this WILL be neccessary for the rest of our lives. After this we plan on forming a boyband, not a big aim i know but we need the collateral for future projects. Using our wrestling skills and natural talent we will capture the hearts of the nation, simply DDTing and Peoples Elbowing anybody who stands in our way. We will also be part time ice cream salesmen, this bears no releavnce to our plan we just think it would be fun. After this, using all of our income so far which will roughly be around £4860 million, we will invent the Squidgy Bubble (TM). More to come soon..
Thursday 27 November 2008
Emsworth.
I hadn't got anything filmed in ages so did this just so that i had the right to say i was still a skateboarder. Don't expect no Mike Mo.
Magic.
So the other night after a few too many watered down yet brilliantly cheap beers, i realised that i had lost my phone. I remembered using it to call a friend of mine down Elm Grove so knew i must have dropped it somewhere around there. The next day i got a call from Wightlink saying somebody had found my phone in the ferryport and handed it in. Being nowhere near the ferryport my phone had made an incredible journey that did not seem possible. I came too one of two conclusions, it had been picked up by a dishonest passer by and then karma had made them drop it as well OR it had sprouted legs and walked to the ferryport however got denied access due to not having an indate passport. Needless to say i was amazed i got it back. Magic.
Wednesday 26 November 2008
Thoughts.
I sometimes feel like i have too many thoughts going round in my mind wanting too escape, like when you have one pint too many and the next morning its a case of either get to the toilet or shit yourself as that evil pint decides he wants too escape too. Now i've been lucky enough to find a toilet in time but i imagine if i didn't it'd be pretty nasty. I don't even know how thoughts escape when you have too many of them but, on the off chance it would be pretty nasty too, i thought id simply let them escape here.
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